9 TO DIEThe Cubicle Farm
What is The Cubicle Farm?
The Cubicle Farm is floor 2 of 12, and its phrase is "Welcome to the cubicle farm." It opens when you win Onboarding with that department. Its enemies are 10 percent stronger than the first floor's. Its final boss is The Dotted Line, at 16:00.
Good morning, team!! Welcome to the pod!! Please wear your ear tag at all times!!
Which bosses are on the calendar?
Four calendar bosses book this floor: The 1:1, Alignment, The Reorg, Calibration. They arrive at 3:45, 7:30, 11:15, 15:00 in that order. The Dotted Line closes the quarter at 16:00, and beating it wins the floor. A calendar boss still standing at the next booking leaves without paying out.
| Clock | Boss | Slot | Base health | Phases |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3:45 | The 1:1 | Calendar | 700 | 3 |
| 7:30 | Alignment | Calendar | 900 | 3 |
| 11:15 | The Reorg | Calendar | 1100 | 3 |
| 15:00 | Calibration | Calendar | 1000 | 3 |
| 16:00 | The Dotted Line | Final | 2600 | 3 |
What is the hazard, and is there a secret?
The hazard: Double-booked rooms: every 40 seconds the spot you're standing on gets booked. Be somewhere else when the ring closes. It runs for the whole quarter, so plan your route around it. This floor also hides one secret, which appears on the floor during Monday Morning.
Hint: Somebody printed the truth about who reports to whom and never collected it. It makes the last meeting of the quarter shorter on ceremony.
Tips from the floor
- Alignment is a wall. Go round it.
- The Sacred Cow cannot be targeted. Cc the VP.
- The Dead Horse dies when you stop hitting it.
Who is in the cast?
23 kinds of enemy work this floor, and 2 of them are elites, marked with a yellow-and-black band. The swarm arrives first, tougher kinds join as the weeks pass, and specials turn up on their own schedule. Numbers below are base figures, before the clock and the floor multiply them.
| Enemy | Tier | Health | Damage | Speed | What it does |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Ping | Swarm | 2 | 3 | 3.1 | arrives in a sudden burst on a timer |
| Quick Question | Swarm | 3 | 4 | 2.7 | arrives in a sudden burst on a timer |
| Friendly Reminder | Swarm | 3 | 4 | 2.5 | walks straight at you |
| Calendar Invite | Swarm | 3 | 3 | 2.6 | stuns you when it touches you |
| Daily Stand-Up | Standard | 10 | 6 | 1.7 | forms a ring around you and closes it |
| Circle Back | Standard | 8 | 7 | 2.3 | circles you and bites when you stop |
| Alignment | Standard | 4 | 5 | 1.3 | moves as one solid block and closes its gaps |
| Status Report | Standard | 9 | 5 | 1.6 | walks straight at you |
| Ergonomics Assessor | Standard | 10 | 5 | 1.6 | stuns you when it touches you |
| Culture Committee | Standard | 9 | 4 | 1.3 | stuns you when it touches you |
| Sacred Cow | Tough | 120 | 12 | 0.9 | moves slowly and cannot be targeted until its moment comes |
| Dead Horse | Tough | 60 | 12 | 0 | only dies once nothing has hit it for a while |
| Lipstick on a Pig | Tough | 40 | 9 | 1.6 | fully heals and renames itself at set health levels |
| Pre-Read | Tough | 80 | 10 | 0.9 | walks straight at you |
| Stakeholder | Tough | 60 | 0 | 1 | makes everything around it stronger |
| The PMO | Tough | 30 | 8 | 1 | moves as one solid block and closes its gaps |
| Agile Coach | Tough | 48 | 9 | 1.2 | makes everything around it stronger |
| Product Owner | Tough | 50 | 8 | 1.2 | fires bolts from range |
| Performance Review | Elite | 160 | 0 | 3.5 | sits behind you and slows your fire rate |
| Recurring Meeting | Elite | 170 | 10 | 1.2 | calls in more enemies on a timer |
| The Printer | Special | 50 | 0 | 0 | stays put and produces more enemies |
| Reply All | Special | 6 | 5 | 1.5 | snakes across the floor, and kills add to its tail until the head dies |
| Rabbit Hole | Special | 25 | 0 | 0 | stays put and produces more enemies |